Monthly Archives: November 2008

5 Things to do in London this week

1. A little early morning Christmas shopping on Friday when Oxford Street gets kicking at 7am. Three cheers for a last-ditch effort to breathe life into languishing retail profits. Hurrah! Failing economy: zero, obsessive shoppers: one. I will be hitting up Liberty for fabulous Christmas tree ornaments and Mamas & Papas for baby awesomeness for up-the-duff colleague.

2. Go see Blood Brothers for £12. You WILL. NOT. REGRET IT. Somehow manages to be both deliberately and accidentally hilarious. Highlights include intense overuse of 1980s synthesised drums, oddly hysterical reaction from one character to other character placing pair of shoes on the kitchen table, Marilyn Monroe-related lyrical motif running through the entire show that becomes laughably flimsy by the end of the second act, and the intrusive and over-dramatic (thus HI-LAR-IOUS) musical interludes sung by unnecessary Evita-style narrator. Haven’t laughed as hard as hard as we did coming out of the Phoenix Theatre in a VERY long time. And yet I have this weird fondness for the show, because actually parts of it were very good, and the woman in the lead role, Niki Evans, has a gorgeous tone to her voice (and apparently was on The X-Factor last year?). Do yourself a favour.

3. Get your Christmas Tree! A real live one, that will be a pain in the arse to lug home on the tube and a pain in the arse to dispose of in the new year, and will drop pine needles all through your carpet, and will probably fall over at least 37 times between now and Christmas Day! Check out where you can buy real Christmas trees in London, then get that baby home and decorate the hell right out of it!

Last year the P-Vizzle housemates and I went to excessive amounts of trouble to decorate our first ever living Christmas tree for our first ever London Christmas. We did a roast, eggnog, copious amounts of wine (well, we did copious amounts of wine for most things), got tangled in lights, got a little tipsy, made a VERY pretty tree. Then in January when it came time to dispose of the thing, GI Jono and I left it in the hallway on the floor below ours, right outside the door of the neighbours we really hated. But… frankly, that will teach them for being utter, utter bastards.

We did get a cranky letter from our landlord about it. Think it may have been the trail of pine needles from their front door to ours that tipped them off.

4. Go see No Man’s Land at the Duke of York’s Theatre. No, wait. That’s what I’ll be doing. Because I am crushing on David Walliams.

5. Try out the new Bob Bob Ricard all-day bar/brasserie in Soho. Opens at 7am, closes at 3am. Breakfast, brunch, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner, drinks etc. I haven’t quite got there yet, but the promise of toasters on tables and an interior inspired by ‘first class rail travel in Edwardian times’ has me raising one eyebrow. Not like a sinister fictitious villain, but like someone who is intrigued by old trains and the thought of kitchen appliances being an active and aesthetic part of restaurant dining experiences.

Their website is a total non-event actually, so don’t bother with it, but the place itself is getting some decent reviews on Time Out. Thanks to LC for the red hot tip.

Dictation

Attention, Landmarkers. I am running a racket.

Attention, non-Landmarkers. Running a racket is top-secret (not really) Landmark Forum jargon for someone or something is getting on my nerves and I would like to whinge about it in three, two, one:

My Landmark Forum In Action seminar leader called me last week. I was at work, and rather busy, didn’t want to talk to anyone at all, and especially not anyone Landmarky. Talking to Landmarky people means that I have to have things like integrity, energy and responsibility. Three things best left alone on a Monday morning.

“Hi, Jessica? It’s ****. Are you interested in doing the Landmark Assisting Programme?”

“Um. What?” 

“We really need assistants for some of the seminars.”

“Oh.”

“We’re desperate.”

“Oh. When do you need someone?”

“This Thursday night. Can you come? It would really help us out.”

“Um. Sure. What time?”

“6:30.”

“See you then.”

“Oh, that’s great! We’ll see you on Thursday. Thanks!”

Actually, I’m not at all interested in the Assisting Programme. The Assisting Programme is for Forum graduates who want to climb the ranks of the Landmark elite, ruthlessly clawing their way up out of the writhing pit of volunteers with their endless stories of rackets, breakdowns, breakthroughs, transformations and all manner of jargony life moments they’ve experienced since the forum. In short, they want jobs.

But I like my seminar leader. She’s sensible and intelligent, and she said she was desperate. So I decided I would go, because I told her I would, and because I have lots of Landmarky integrity these days.

Cut to 6:30 on Thursday night. I am prepared for a hectic night of running around the way I have seen assistants do on television. I march into Landmark Forum headquarters on Eversholt Street near Euston station to find a suspicious number of people milling around, all of them wearing name badges that say ‘Assisting Programme’.

“Hi, I’m here to assist. What can I do?”

“Oh!” A look of bewilderment. “Great! Um… go see that guy in the grey shirt.”

I approach the guy in the grey shirt. “Hi, I’m here to assist. What can I do?”

“Oh!” A look of bewilderment. “Great! Um… go see that guy in the blue shirt.”

I approach the guy in the blue shirt. “Hi, I’m here to assist. What can I do?”

“Oh!” A look of bewilderment. “Great! Um… see that girl over there? The one writing the intention of tonight’s session on the whiteboard?”

I look over. There is a girl writing a couple of sentences on a whiteboard in huge letters. She is taking approximately one minute to write each word. “Yes.”

“Do you think you could read out the intention of tonight’s session to her so she can write it without looking at it?”

A look of bewilderment. This time from me.

“Yes. I think I can do that.”

I’m so glad I could help Landmark in their hour of desperation. Nobody reads aloud like me.