Oh, dear. I seem to have misplaced March.

I appear to be in denial about Digressica.com, because any time someone asks me about it I say, “Why yes, I do have a blog. I am a blogger. I like to blog. I… blog and stuff.” But clearly that is a dirty lie, or at least it has been for the month of March.

However… I have several excuses. Would you like to hear them?

Excuse #1. I have a FUN NEW PROJECT! It is called Domestic Sluttery, and it is the brainchild of Siany, who had the genius-like impulse to gather three lovely gals (the gorgeous Robyn, the stylish Gemma and the delicious Jane) and me (the… Australian one) into a circle of fabulousness to blog about a) cooking, b) cocktails, c) design, d) homey things and e) er, other fun stuff. The tagline is The home and lifestyle blog for women who have better things to do, and I think that pretty much sums it up. If you’d like to know more (i.e. if you have ovaries and excellent taste), please drop in and say hi.

Excuse #2. I have been writing The Book. This may not seem like a big deal, but for the last several years I have compiled tens of thousands of words worth of outline, plotting, re-plotting, planning, character profiles, place names, miscellaneous ideas, brief passages, re-writes of brief passages, re-writes of re-writes of brief passages… and somehow have never written a full, cohesive chapter of this book that I’ve been saying I’m writing for I don’t know how long. I do have excellent intentions – every weekend I tell myself I’m going to spend my whole Saturday or Sunday just writing. Instead, I spend a couple of hours writing outline, plotting various ideas, jotting down snippets of dialogue and drinking lots of coffee, before finally I give up and go shopping.

Recently I had to ask myself, “Self, are we actually writing a book? Or are we writing around a book? Even worse – are we talking about writing a book without actually writing one at all?”

So I decided to sort myself out. I did this in the same way I sort all of my brain-induced problems out. I PSYCHOLOGICALLY DERREN BROWNED MYSELF!

If you are wondering what this means, let me give you some examples.

a) I find it difficult to get up in the morning. So sometimes I will reset the time on my phone to some time earlier than the actual time (usually a random number, e.g. 43 minutes earlier) so that I will get up earlier the next day and be on time for work. However, if I KNOW that I’ve done this, it sort of defeats the purpose. So while I’m resetting the time I will try to distract myself, for example by singing along to Blame It On the Boogie by the Jackson Five AND doing the dance at the same time, or by inputting my credit card details online to buy something pretty and distracting, like Scarlett Johansson (this is a lie, I have never bought Scarlett Johansson online, I am just using her as an example because she is pretty – you cannot deny this – and also she is distracting, because whenever I see her in a movie I find her very annoying, and it distracts me from the film-watching experience. Perhaps this is not such a good example after all), or by setting the timer on my coffeemaker at the SAME TIME as I change the time on my phone, so that my brain switches the two things around in my head and I magically forget that I am playing a trick on myself.

b) That was really tiring to write about, so I’m not giving you any more examples.

SO. I booked into the Urban Writers Retreat. The UWR is held monthly at The Make Lounge, a lovely place in Islington where people go to make stuff and meet cool peeps and hang out and stuff. The Derren Brown-style trickery came into play because the UWR costs £35, so you kind of feel like you are financially committed to actually writing while you are there (from 10am to 6pm), also you have committed your entire Sunday – an ENTIRE HALF of your precious weekend – to doing nothing but write, and ALSO… this is the biggie… there’s no wifi at The Make Lounge.

Nobody loves the internets more than me (well, except maybe Larry Page and Sergey Brin), but when it comes to writing, my general policy is that 

THE INTERNET IS EVIL.

So anyway, to wrap up, I went to the Urban Writers Retreat and by the end of the day had 5,000 words and a full plotted outline. And then, even better, I started writing at home. Properly. And in Starbucks. Properly. Full sentences and everything. It’s a revolution.

Excuse #3. Um,  my leg is haunted.

Excuse #4. My laptop got stolen… by a DINOSAUR!

Excuse #5. I have been distracted yet again by the terrifying, awe-inspiring, time-sucking accidental genius that is Mad Cow Tourist Info.

Excuse #6. I made you some cookies.

Excuse #7. You’re pretty.

And for my next trick, I will tell you all about the EXCITING AND OVERLY AMBITIOUS COMMITMENT that I am making. It is called Blog Every Day April, and was inspired by YA author and general Baroness of Greatness Maureen Johnson. The idea is to… blog every day in April.

Just to make things official, here is the Blog Every Day April manifesto:

I commit to this idea and am determined to create something EVERY DAY in April, including weekends. Every day, I will find something to say. I embrace the reality that there is always something to talk about, if you are willing to take the time to look for it.

I, Digressica, promise to blog every day in April.

Of course, I’m obviously going to cheat by scheduling some of my posts (sorry, but I have to – Shezwa and I are off to Bath this weekend), but my intention is for something written by me to go live on Digressica.com AND Domestic Sluttery EVERY. SINGLE. DAY in April. And I hope that will make up for a crappy March.

Do you have a blog? Perhaps you should join the BEDA movement too! Go on, it’ll be fun, maybe.

*crickets*

Yours in ridiculously over-zealous intentions,

Digressica.

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6 responses to “Oh, dear. I seem to have misplaced March.

  1. Sneaky bit: there IS wifi at The Make Lounge, but if we let you folks use it during the retreats, you’d never get any writing done!! ;)

  2. so tell me about this haunted leg…….

  3. You’re completely barking. You know that, right?

  4. I like the idea of BEDA, I like it a lot. But maybe I like it a lot in the way I like exercising every day, making sure I go to the effort of keeping up to speed with non-celebrity and sport News each day, and being in bed by 11pm on week nights. Namely, I like it when the doing of it is still a good 24 hours away. Maybe I will make an effort to comment everyday? That’s a nice thing to do: people like getting comments more than they like other people posting…

  5. I’d like to investigate excuse 6. Please provide evidence to My Address Which You Know.

    I, for one, cannot wait to have a golden blog nugget waiting for me EVERYDAY in April. WOOWOO. Maybe I’ll even give you something to blog about.

  6. JENNIFER! Are you insane?! Now I have to Derren Brown myself so that I forget you told me The Make Lounge has wifi! On another note, LC (see comment above) is taking me to the Festive Fascinator workshop you’re putting on in May… hurrah! We’re both very excited.

    Fonz, a confession: my leg is not really haunted… OR IS IT?

    Nutty: I know, right. Day two and I’m already floundering, to be honest. By day five I’m going to be begging you for post ideas, oh prolific one.

    Huw: Yes! That’s a brilliant idea! You can start by commenting here every day, SHAZAM. Actually, for reals, I think this idea has legs. Perhaps we should start a Comment Every Day May?

    LC: Um… that excuse, in its entirety, should actually read: “I made you some cookies. But I eated ‘em.” PLEASE give me something to blog about, even though when you said that it sounded vaguely threatening and sinister.

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