Er… slightly worried about the election next week, especially given results of last UK election. Choice seems to have been: smug Tory nobody particularly wanted, or boring, squishy Scot nobody particularly wanted*. Similarly, Australia’s current choice seems to be: creepy, completely unfunny, old-fashioned chap of questionable bathing suit preferences, or Australia’s first female Prime Minister, whom people unfortunately perceive to be a bit of a two-faced bizatch** for her mutiny of K-Rudd.
So I was thinking, perhaps for next week’s Australian federal election, in the spirit of true democracy, we could all nominate whomever we please to be our Prime Minister, and then choose between the people who get the most nominations. That seems a far fairer and more democratic process than being presented with only two people to choose from, especially when they’re both politicians. (Honestly, who really wants a politician running the country?)
Here are my nominations:
John Farnham
“What about the aaaage… of ree-hee-eeason?”
When the world is in crisis, when the threat of terrorism lurks ever nearer our shores, when the economy is a mess and we’re all floundering helplessly in a sinkhole of credit card debt and unemployment (we’re not really though)… what we need is a leader with a three-octave range who can belt out a high F.
John from Play School
“Tutti Frutti, oh Rudy…” I really used to love John when I was a kid. He had a very reassuring, grandfatherly sort of presence, and yet he was wildly funny (to four-year-old me, at least) and wasn’t above playing with rag dolls or making sailboats out of toilet roll holders. That’s the kind of down-home DIY ingenuity this country needs. I also quite liked Philip (Quast, who went on to be a super huge West End star, playing Javert in Les Miserables) and Benita. And Noni Hazlehurst. Look, I think anyone from Play School would do a great job.
David & Margaret from The Movie Show
You couldn’t separate these two, because I think they only really work as a double act. David would be the deputy, obviously, because Margaret’s a bit more hip and down with the kids. And, you know… awesome earrings.
Doctor Who
Yes, I know he’s British. Yes, I know he’s a 907-year-old timelord. Yes, I know he’s fictional. Still a better candidate than Tony Abbott.
(Also, yes… this was just an excuse to post an image of David tennant on my blog. *swoon*)
Alf Stewart
Stone the flamin’ crows! As Kevin “Fair Shake of the Sauce Bottle” Rudd has shown us, every Prime Minister needs a catchphrase or two. Get off the grass. Don’t come the raw prawn with me. Etc.
John Jarratt
Nobody – and I mean NOBODY – is going to mess with a country whose leader is that guy from Wolf Creek.
I’m painfully aware there is a severe shortage of female candidates listed here. Sorry. Post ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.
*Sorry, Mr Brown. I actually quite liked you. If I were a UK citizen, you’d have had my vote. Although I think I’d vote for a jacket potato if it had a Scottish accent.
** I actually quite like Julia Gillard also. I’m just a bit bummed out that our first ever female PM was sort unceremoniously dumped on us overnight, depriving us all of the opportunity to rally behind a decent female candidate and feel some sense of communal ownership of this big, historic moment for our country. Where’s our Obama moment, Julia? WHERE IS IT?!
My vote goes to Alf. Purely because I think being governed by a bloke called Alf is a winning combination.
Brill. I’ll post my vote for JF, because he knows where it’s at. We ARE all someone’s daughter, or someone’s son. He would have to sing all of his speeches, though. Can we put that as a condition?
Female candidate option – Irene from Home & Away, because a) She’s a better-looking ranger than Julia, b) Her successful battle with alcoholism is honourable, c) Her catch-phrases are pretty awesome, too. “Gawd!” However, I don’t know that we’d solve the boat people problem, because, as we know, she’ll take anyone in.
Jo: I can definitely see some fantastic campaign poster potential. *frantically thinks of words that rhyme with Alf…*
Narc: I’d also like to propose that we change the national anthem from Advance Australia Fair to You’re The Voice. It makes sense, since most Australians know the lyrics to the latter but not the former.