The Bruschetta Conversation

Photo courtesy of SummerTomato's photostream on Flickr

Every time I have ordered bruschetta in a restaurant or café – every single time in my entire life – I have had basically the exact same conversation with the waiter or waitress that served me.

It usually goes a bit like this:

Waitress: Hi, what can I get you today?
Me: Hi there. Can we please have two iced teas and… um, let’s see. I think we’ll share some broosketta too. Thanks!
Waitress: Blank look.
Me: Blank look.
Waitress: Sorry, what was the last thing?
Me: The broosketta, please.
Waitress: Sorry?
Me: Broosketta?
Waitress: Sorry, I didn’t quite… Holds up menu for me to point at.
Me: Pointing. The broosketta. Just there.
Waitress: Loudly, with barely contained laughter. OHHHHHHHH. You mean the BROOSHETTA!
Me: Silent, impotent rage. Um… yeah.

But this is how it would go if this were an alternate universe in which I wasn’t irrationally afraid of making waitresses dislike me:

Waitress: Hi, what can I get you today?
Me: Hi there. Can we please have two iced teas and… um, let’s see. I think we’ll share some broosketta too. Thanks!
Waitress: Blank look.
Me: Blank look.
Waitress: Sorry, what was the last thing?
Me: The broosketta, please.
Waitress: Sorry?
Me: Broosketta?
Waitress: Sorry, I didn’t quite… Holds up menu for me to point at.
Me: Pointing. The broosketta. Just there.
Waitress: Loudly, with barely contained laughter. OHHHHHHHH. You mean the BROOSHETTA!
Me: Rising slowly from seat. No. No, I don’t mean ‘brooshetta’. I mean ‘broosketta’. You know why? Because it is YOU, feeble human child, who is pronouncing bruschetta incorrectly – not I, as your patronisingly instructive tone suggests. And maybe – just maybe – if you’re going to work in an ITALIAN restaurant, and serve ITALIAN dishes, and read out the ITALIAN specials, perhaps it would interest you to know that in the Italian language, the letters CH are pronounced as a HARD FUCKING CONSONANT, YOU SMUG PIECE OF SHIT.

Other oppressed diners in restaurant applaud. Music swells. Close up on me looking triumphant and a bit crazy.

12 responses to “The Bruschetta Conversation

  1. I’ve started mumbling broosketta and pointing at the menu for good measure when I order it in anticipation of the correction. I wish I could happily go back to pronouncing it wrong, but I can’t and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT. Thanks for ruining many dining experiences past and future.

    • Yeah. Sorry. Look… I don’t actually give a damn how anyone pronounces anything. They can pronounce bruschetta as ‘pipecleaner’ for all I care. I basically just don’t like being corrected when I know I’m right. It’s irrational and twattish of me, but I just don’t like it.

  2. I’m going to give ‘pipecleaner’ a go. Why not?

  3. Pingback: Word-Humbled. [103] « An End To All Flight

  4. More annoyingly, is when you must decide which to go with upon walking in. Either way I seem to choose wrongly and be attached by snooty wait-person. Next time I shall order tomato, onion, and garlic on toast pls.

  5. Thats good to know! Thanks. Do not be afraid! Tell her! Its a bit like the Moet without the “T” pronunciation error!

  6. Pingback: Word-Humbled. [104] « An End To All Flight

  7. Really enjoyed reading your blog ! You have given me an urge to write as well! I usually just put photos on my blog! But I think I am going to start doing some writing ! Your writing is so intersting thank you for sharing. I got a smile from it and got inspiration from it what more do I need!

  8. Haha, I never knew the correct way to say it until I moved to Italy. In fact we have a popular restaurant in Toronto called “cena” and I never knew how to pronounce it “Chena” or “Sena”? Now I know it’s the first one. But I still mix up my Ch sometimes…it’s just my default setting rebelling I guess.
    But the bruschetta debate with my Canadian family still ensues, lol
    By the way, it’s spelled the same as school and we certainly don’t say shool!

  9. Nice one. As Europeans we just learned this summer, while on a trip across CA, that they call it it Brooshetta in the US of A. But moreover, we learned that an Italian restaurant is not really Italian, but an American restaurant serving menus with Italian names. Not bad per se, just not Italian.

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